Thursday, November 09, 2006

It's Been a Long Time Since...

...I wrote anything in this blog. I'm taking a screenplay writing class this semester, with Greg Mellott, and it's kicking my ass. Writing to show is so completely different from the work I do five days a week and all of the creative writing I've done in the past.

I have wanted to quit so many times this past 12 weeks (4 more to go). I've been completely blocked and so very frustrated.

My daughter (the 20 year old) is taking the class with me. She put it all into perspective for me. "Mom, just get through this semester. It will all come together after this class is over." Ah, my perfectionism rears its ugly head - I want to be perfect in every way (the first draft out) - I want to blow my professor's mind with characters so deep and so profound that he'll stop writing for Hollywood and come worship at my feet. THAT ain't gonna happen.

I think the daughter is right. I also know I have to go back to writing something everyday to clear this creative blockage. Writers write, right? We've been talking about writing something together (we ping ideas off of each other very well) and Greg is willing to read it when we're ready. This is a really, really cool thing.

And it feels really good to write in this place, again.

Friday, May 12, 2006

Just How Many Moms...

...can say that their child (birthed, adopted, foster or otherwise) proudly presented a "Look what I grew for you - for Mothers Day!" Lima Bean plant?

Saturday, April 29, 2006

It's T-Ball People...


I keep score for my son's t-ball team. Its a great time watching the kids, chatting it up with the other team's scorekeeper, and yelling out all the stress I've built up during the week.

Tonight I got a taste of what I'm in for, if the boy wants to continue playing ball. Coaches taking this game WAY too seriously, intentional delays in the batting line-up, calling time outs in the weirdest places! What the hell? Mind games? You're teaching these six year old kids mind games?

To all you Little League and any other kid league coaches...ITS NOT ABOUT YOU!!!!!! Guess what those kids are thinking about! Here it is Coach - I don't care about the wins - I play for the drink tickets. Seriously Coach, take a look at what those boys are really doing. My kid just High-Fived your kid because they both tried to get to 1st (one with a ball in his glove, one trying to run through & on to 1st). Its a good play, but the runner is called "out" by the ump. Is this somehow a problem for the kids? Hell NO! Again Coach, here's what they're thinking - Dude, that was sooo cool how you caught that ball - I was almost safe, but you tagged me - that was awesome!!! High-Five Dude!!!

It took me 44 years to figure out why the world is so screwed up. Tonight all was made plain. And here's how to fix it all:


Monday, April 10, 2006

Shit Happens...

Warning - The following blog is extremely gross and not intended for the weak of stomach. If you are easily nausiated or grossed out please step away from this blog. The blogs to the right of my posts are much better suited to a gentile spirit. Please, think about this before you continue to read this blog....Oh God, you're still reading...okay, you have been warned.

This post should shine as a warning to all those thinking about going on a diet of mostly eggs, meat, and green leafy vegetables.

The first few days were great. I lost at least a pound or more a day. I had to eat three meals and two snacks a day. Being a proud member of the Clean Plate Club, it seemed like a good idea at the time.

Tuesday afternoon I felt discomfort in my lower back. I had increased weights on my regular gym routine; so I didn't give it a second thought. By Wednesday morning I couldn't rotate my torso on one of the Nautalis machines. Hmmm, maybe I pulled something on Monday.

Wednesday afternoon I found the urge to meditate on my boring corporate job, from the women's restroom - every 10 - 15 minutes. And now my stomache added a dull cramping to the mix.

Ten minutes into my 40 minute Wednesday afternoon commute home - my whole lower GI warned me to pull over. Yeah, where? Its all highway miles! Thank God for Lamaze classes (22 years ago)! In the early stages of labor - long cleansing breaths. I was way beyond that and heading into "transition" - Hee Hee Hah, Hee Hee Hah - You're fine, you're fine, you're gonna be okay...

I had this horrible urge to push. I fought the urge with all my might! I broke out into a clamy cold sweat. Oh, thank God, 39th Expressway (which is a sick joke really; there's nothing express about it) I spot a Taco Bueno on the right, but apparently Wednesday is "Asshole Drivers Day" and I was pushed further upstream in the middle lane on 39th.

The second wave washed over me at 39th and Ann Arbor. Hee Hee Hee Hee Hah, Hee Hee Hee Hee Hah Hair plastered to my cheeks and forehead as the cold sweat runs down my face. My hands are numb from the grip I have on the steering wheel. I'm okay, I'm fine, I'm fine, I just want to get home.

The intestinal insurgency declared war on the third wave. I could do nothing to stop the rebel forces of three days of a diet gone horribly wrong. There was nothing to do but roll down the windows. I thought of a Comedy Central's Margaret Cho special I saw last year. I was mortified, discusted and yet not alone. I have to thank Ms. Cho for being there in my hour of need - because her experience, stuck in L.A. traffic with the same lower GI adventure, is the only thing keeping me out of therapy.

Pulling up into my driveway - kids playing outside, the new neighbor watering her flower bed - Oh Lord, please make me invisible until I get in the house . Opening the front door I called for my unsuspecting husband. The man, who for nearly 16 years has heard me fart only once. This is gonna blow his mind.

He ran the shower for me...a little too cold. And since he was there - why not take a pee? When the cool water hit my shaken body - the insurgency declared Armageddon. By now, my mind has separated from my body and is observing (with commentary) Oh man! I had no idea my stomache could hold that much stuff. Damn, I ate those mushrooms three days ago. Jeez, puking in the shower is really loud!

Once over, I cleaned the shower, thanked God for Margaret Cho and leather car seats (had they been cloth I would have thrown the car away). I made myself a cup of Earl Grey and saw my husband staring into the T.V. "Are you okay?" I asked him. His voice soft and kind of far away "Yeah, I'm okay." "Are you grossed out?" I asked. A half-smile "Yeah, kinda."

"They should add a detailed list when they ask 'For better, for worse'." I said as I gingerly sipped my tea.

"Yeah, no shit."

Thursday, March 30, 2006

He's Waited a Lifetime for this Moment...

When my son was two years old he fell in love with a movie called "The Sandlot". It's one of those almost-coming-of-age movies that you can watch with your kids (although, to be fair there is an "Oh SHIT", but I think it was the right thing for that character to say at that particular moment in the story). All of my kids love it. And in my boy's mind, he is Benny "The Jet" Rodriguez.

So, the other night is the first game in the round-robin tournament of the PCO League, T-Ball division. It's cold, it's windy and these 11 kids are so excited. I look like a grey Umpa-lumpa in my "Mom" t-shirt, pulled over my grey sweatshirt. But I'm a warm Umpa-lumpa.

The umpire calls "Play ball!" and my son takes a swing and a miss. Strike one. He tightens his grip, chokes up on the bat and takes another swing. It connects. It's a line drive to Third base. The ball passes between the Third baseman's legs and heads to the back fence. "The Jet" steps firmly onto First base and makes the left turn to Second. Center field over-throws past Third base. "The Jet" rounds Second and heads straight to Third. The pitcher over-throws to Third and "The Jet" hits the bag and heads straight for Home. The umpire moves the tee off of Home plate and "The Jet" slides into Home. The look on my son's face spoke volumes as his behind slid across Home plate - grinding Oklahoma-red dirt into the white uniform. "I've been waiting my whole life to do this!"

Monday, March 13, 2006

Why it's So Cool to be a 5 (almost 6) Year Old Boy...

...because you take great joy in slurping down a huge gulp of soda wait for!!

Tonight he received a bonus:

From one end of the house, "MOM!!! I BURPED AND A FART CAME WITH IT!!!"

Friday, March 10, 2006

WARNING...Rant Ahead...

Dear Dial Soap People,

Please stop running that ad with the lady that holds the door open with her foot, so her kids don't get germs on them. The encouragement of this kind of behavior is disgusting!

I mean really, where have her shoes been all day? Do you know? Take a look at the bottom of your shoes! How socially irresponsible are you people, anyway? Gum, dead bugs and random dog turds (horse and cow turds if you're a cowboy/cowgirl - goat turds if you're my boss) - that's what you'll find at the bottom of your shoes. And yet you encourage your customers to behave so morally reprehensible as to spread E.Coli, BugColi* and GumColi* to the rest of us just so you can sell us your overpriced - watered down soap (although the foamy thingy is cool)!

And about the whole idea of protecting our kids from all of those germs. Kids are suppose to have regular germs all over them. That's what makes them snot-nosed little brats!

The mother of a currently snot-nosed guy; probably due to the germs from the dog turds he picked up off of the bathroom door handle at Walmart.

*Though some words could be considered non-words, no real harm was done to the English language during the making of this rant.


(The title to today's entry is one of those "inside things"; so inside, in fact, that were I to go through the complete history of why this is meaningful for my father, my uncle, and the guy that said this (though I seriously doubt he'd get it) your final reaction to that extreme effort would be: "Uh, yeah - I guess you had to be there." And, it really has nothing to do with this entry...sort of.)

Next week I get to spread my business traveling wings and drive to Wichita, Kansas. This will be the first time I stay at a Hyatt. I've enjoyed the many flavors of Marriott, Hilton, and Sheraton Hotel properties (some in Wichita). Now it's Mr. Hyatt's turn. I wonder if there is a Mr. Hyatt. I've met Mr. Marriott, Jr. Nice guy. Despite Paris' antics, the Hilton folks have been consistently good - from my perspective.

I'm looking forward to exploring Old Towne. I hear its similar to Bricktown in OKC. There's more places I'd like to see but I have one night in Wichita...Wow - and then its back to OKC.

Gary, I dedicate this business trip to you.