Wednesday, April 27, 2005

Open Pole Night...

I was running an errand the other day and drove past one of our not-so-lovely nuddie bars. The portable sign out front said "Amateur Night Every Tuesday Night." You mean to tell me that there are women willing to dance nude for free?

I grew up in Las Vegas, Nevada...so I've seen a few shows on the strip where women do just that - strip - and dance to an audience. Years ago, after I moved to Oklahoma City, I played "roady" for a friend's local band that played at "The Red Dog", another not-so-lovely "gentlemen's club" (I hate that term. I have no doubt that real gentlemen do not frequent such places). Those girls were pros and all in all, not that attractive - nor could they dance. Most disappointing; no skill, no fenesse. Just a bunch of saggy boobies wabbling to much too loud music.

I would hate to be at a place like that for amateur night.

Friday, April 22, 2005

I Wonder What this is All About...

While "free-form" surfing this morning I came across www.orkut.com. Here's what their "join" page says:

"orkut is unique, because it's an organically growing network of trusted friends. That way we won't grow too large, too quickly and everyone will have at least one person to vouch for them.If you know someone who is a member of orkut, that person can invite you to join as well. If you don't know an orkut member, wait a bit and most likely you soon will.We look forward to having you as part of the orkut community."

What's this all about? Is this electronic eliteism, or a billiant marketing plan?

Just curious.

Thursday, April 21, 2005

Good to Be Home...

I don't know how to quantify our vacation, just yet. It was such a bizarre combination of the pleasant and the not so pleasant. I have pages and pages of observations in my Moleskine notebook, but I'm having trouble transcribing it all onto this blog. I think I'll try to sum up the past week in the form of two lists.

The Pleasant List

  1. My son is the most awesome traveler ever! The crap that the kid had to put up with and he took it all in stride. What a trooper!!
  2. My daughter's show at The Highland Grounds on 4/16/05 was amazing! Oh my God, she's so fucking good!
  3. I got a free upgrade on my rental car.
  4. The PT Cruiser is fun to drive!
  5. I can drive all over LA without getting lost!
  6. Surprisingly, the traffic was pleasant (for LA).
  7. My son found a friend, his age, at the Salt Lake City airport while we were stuck there for 6 hours. He never once complained about the delay. And she was really cute!
  8. While we were away, my husband tiled the kitchen/dining room, laundry room and pantry. Its so beautiful! I wish you could see it. (One of these days I have to figure out how to do that - post pictures on this blog, not tile the kitchen)
  9. The "Delicious Fish" candy at the SLC airport!
  10. I saw Robert Forester at The Silver Spoon in Hollywood.
  11. Seeing my family.
  12. Appreciating how nice it is to be in OKC and looking forward to going home.
  13. Learning the parking meter trick.
The Not So Pleasant List

  1. The underwire to my bra snapped in the middle of the Salt Lake City/LAX flight; Impaling my left breast. I was forced to remove the offending device right there in the seat because the beverage cart blocked my path to the bathroom.
  2. You know the house guest/fish rule? After three days they both begin to stink. Well wrap me in yesterday's newspaper and call me mackrel! Six days is waaayyy too long to be staying in someone else's home. I need to send a "thank you" card and an "I'm sorry" card.
  3. We had equipment problems in Salt Lake City on our return flight. What was suppose to be a 45 minute layover turned out to be more like six hours. So we didn't get into OKC until after 1:00 a.m. on Monday night/Tuesday morning.
  4. I never could find a decent meal. We went to the Silver Spoon and my daughter's dinner plate came with a bright blue piece of already chewed up gum! It's soooo hard to find a decent restaurant - or at least one that can make a meal comperable to my cooking.
  5. My check card wouldn't work on the last two days I was in LA - even though I showed a pretty good sized balance.
  6. I didn't get to meet my daughter's new guy friend.
  7. I didn't get to take the kids to an amusement park because I had to spend money on crap I didn't want to spend money on.
  8. Three days into the trip, I was wishing I could go home.

Its so good to be home. I'm appreciating the Oklahoma sunsets, the free parking, comparatively no traffic at rush hour, lots and lots of open space, my dog (even though he's old - he's friendly) and everything else that makes home...home.

Tuesday, April 12, 2005

What NOT to Ask After Sex...

A girl friend of mine and I got to talking about the "What are you thinking?" question. You're never quite prepared for the answer. Especially if men ask (which is rare, but happens). Here are some of the possibles we came up with tonight:

1. "I was wondering how many children we should have." run, run for your life (unless you've been married to this girl for awhile).

2. "Oh, just wondering if Daddy's still got that shotgun."

3. "Just estimating your possible debt ratio."

4. "I'm thinking pizza - how about you?" This is a keeper. Run off to Vegas and tie the knot right now because you guys know...that's exactly what you were thinking!

5. "Beige, I think I'll paint the ceiling beige."

Today was the Longest 5 Years of My Life!!!!

I didn't think 4:30 p.m. was ever going to get here. However, time being what it is - here I am; at home - boarding passes already printed, a mound of laundry to get done so we don't go to L.A. naked awaits my getting off my ass to put it in the washer, and an open suit case rests on the end of my bed. Today is the last day my son has to mark an X through a day on the calender.

Tomorrow is Delicious Fish Day!!! Meaning, the fish candy at the Salt Lake City airport kiosk is absolutely delicious and every time we travel we look forward to changing planes in SLC. You've got to try them. If a 5 yr old boy can remember their deliciousness SEVEN MONTHS LATER then you've got to know their good.

The race to relax has begun. I'm loving the irony.

The Only Thing...

...keeping me from loosing my mind in this last hour before vacation:

1. Listening to Average White Band's "Play That Funky Music White Boy"
2. Bryan Adams "Have You Ever Really Loved a Woman" from Don Juan DeMarco

The first one just makes me grin ear to ear. The second makes me swoon. Can 43 yr old women swoon in 2005? This one does!

The Last Hour...

Aaahhhggg! The last hour at the office before vacation starts....it sucks.

Wednesday, April 06, 2005

How...

How do I hold you
When you're so far away
How to I tell you
It will all be okay

How do I let him
Tear up your heart
Allow him to walk
And give him a head-start

One day you will be clear
Your heart again whole
A smile in your eyes
The story all told

And then one night
When your child is grown
You'll get that call
And your heart will moan

It will be your turn
To listen and learn
About the man that has hurt her
And your heart will burn...

How do I hold you
When you're so far away
How do I tell you
It will all be okay

Saturday, April 02, 2005

Oh! The Things You Can See at Walmart...

The first time in days I've been out of the house. Old Mother Hubbard's cupboards were bare, so it was off to Wally-World for me and the boy.

I didn't do much more than shower and put cloths on before I headed out. My 18 yr old daughter (the hairdresser student) would have hyper ventilated had she seen the ensemble I tossed on. I was clean. My son was clean. That's all that mattered to me. That, and we desperately needed Trix (they're for kids and adults - but for some reason, not for rabbits - poor bastards).

Saturdays are hellish. Avoid Saturday afternoons. Everyone is in Walmart. Cart traffic makes the 101 in L.A. look like child's play! If its not a pissed off guy, sent on a wild goose chase for something his wife forgot - then its two sets of long lost friends...and what do you know...they've discovered each other right in front of the Trix. I'm waiting for a news story on cart rage.

Today's people-watching moment was in the 20 Items or Less Express Lane. The lady in front of me - her cart was stuffed full. I had a bag of paper plates, a box of Trix and a big bottle of Hershey's Chocolate Syrup. (would you believe that besides the cereal, the other items were business related?) The cashier explains the Express Lane policy - "Yeah, so, you're not busy." The lady says. I wanted to stare her down, make her feel extremely uncomfortable...but no. (People watching is much like a Jane Goodall expedition, or Star Trek - observe, but don't fuck with it.) And in the cart was a girl about 3 yrs old; her upper-lip coated in snot, holding an open can of Underwood Devilled Ham - and she's scooping out little bites with the end of her shoe string - popping the little morsals into her mouth.

Getting nauseated I turn to glance at the cart behind me. Another 3 yr old - a boy this time - barefoot, covered in filth (may have had blond hair; not sure), stuffing his dirty little mitts into a greasy bag of fries and popping them into his mouth. His "cart chauffeur" was a woman, wearing a men's tank top, and she had huge smelly-looking boobs. Certain one was about to flop out and hit my son in the head I directed him to talk to the Underwood-Devilled-Ham-Shoestring-eating girl.

If my hairdresser-student daughter could have seen what I saw - she would not have had such a cow over the terquoise Oklahoma City Community College sweatshirt, red & blue plaid sweat pants and floral flip-flop shoes. I was clean - I was stylin'.