Friday, January 27, 2006

Happy Birthday...

...to Neal. Mr. Porkpop will be celebrating his 40th birthday on Saturday (GMT). In your honor I will be playing Wild Cherry's "Play that Funky Music White Boy" while cleaning my kitchen.

Thursday, January 26, 2006

Farting in Public...

...it wasn't me this time - I SWEAR!

Today's been one of those days. All of my best laid plans have gone horribly awry. The meeting that I absolutely HAD to be at was cancelled 20 minutes before it was suppose to start. I had so many other things to take care of today - and had been scheduled off to do them (for weeks ahead of time) - and then they moved this meeting to today. And then they cancelled it. Well, crap! Looking for the silver lining - the gym where I work out is closer to my office than my house, so I used the unexpected down time to get a good workout (and work out some of the frustration).

Then it was off to the dentist office, pick up my son and get him to school. But I turned right instead of left and ended up miles out of my way. Fine, I turned around, found the dentist office, kissed my husband (he was in the chair this time) and off we went.

When at the gym, and then the dentist's office I really should have taken a few moments to go to the bathroom. But I was in a hurry and my son's kindergarten class would start in 30 minutes and I was 35 minutes away. Having to really, really, really need to pee and being stuck in traffic on Northwest Expressway is so painful. I finally pulled into a gas station and made a be-line for the restroom. Yeah, I'd have never made it to the school and then home.

Miraculously, the boy was not late to class. Now its time to do a little grocery shopping, but I have to pee again and the checkbook is at home. I make a right turn coming out of the school's drop-off/parking lot and wouldn't you know it - the road is closed!! Agh! Half of the road is being re-surfaced. Shit! Now I have to go four wheeling in a car that was never designed to go off-road. So I'm taking it really, really slowly. And I still have to pee.

I get home, go pee, find the checkbook and head out to Walmart. The produce is over-priced and looks like hell. A child is throwing an exceptionally physical temper tantrum and I'm in today's winner of the Painfully Slow Cashier award checkout line. I read "O Magazine" cover to cover.

I have 40 minutes before my son is out of school (kindergarten is only a half-day). Just enough time to unload the groceries and put them away...if the car would start. Gggrreat - ruh, ruh, ruh, click, click, click. Lovely - a dead battery. Call the hubby. Oh, wait - he's at the dentist. I need a good Samaritan. I find one at the Walmart's auto care center. He has a charger/jumper thingy and vvvrroooom! Baby comes to life (that's the name of the car)! "You want, we can test da battry." 30 minutes 'till school's out. Okay, its worth the time. "Uh, ya gunna need a battry." I ask him how long its going to take - "Uh, bout fy mints." Okay, do it!

And this is where it happened. The farting in public. I'm standing in line behind this very lovely, proper looking, elderly woman. She farts...Loud. "Pull my finger" loud. All immediate concerns fade. I'm trying hard not to laugh out loud...and I'm trying to breath as shallowly as possible...I'm waiting for the smell. Behind me I hear, "Oh DUDE, did you fart?" I try the pointing-with-my-eyes trick. Shit - they think it was ME! AND THEN the smell greeting us - I mouth "It wasn't me - I swear.

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

Then and Now...

As my son dashed out the door "I'M GOING TO GET THE MAIL!!!" - I remembered how excited I would get if I retrieved the mail before anyone else. And if, just if something was for ME?!..(or to Occupant) That was the shits!

Here's a few Then and Now comparisons:

Then: "I'LL GET IT!!!" when the phone rings.
Now: "You gonna get that?!"

Then: Candy (especially sour)
Now: Chocolate (especially dark)

Then: Jumping off of high places. I jumped off my neighbor's roof countless times.
Now: I won't jump off of a chair after changing a lightbulb in the kitchen (not to mention the anxiety attack I have on the way up).

Then: Car trips.
Now: 40 minute commutes to and from work.

One view that has not changed since I was a kid...fireworks displays., and dancing to "Play that Funky Music White Boy" when ever humanly possible.

Interesting that...

...our society can't support a show like "The Book of Daniel" but we're totally on board with something like "Fear Factor".

Now I know where Fear Factor's producers are getting all of those tasty steamed testicles for their contestants to eat...NBC executives!

Sunday, January 22, 2006

Losing it...

I can't remember the name of the patron saint of lost things. This lapse in memory could not have come at a worse time.

Last year we started a video for my dearest friend's brother. This tape holds the moments of last year's Christmas, Easter Sunday's Egg Hunt, 4th of July and at least one birthday party.

Did I tape over it (God forbid) or did it make it's way to the same parallel universe where all miss-matched socks go when sucked out of the dryer? Either way, I fear its gone forever. And I feel like utter shit about it's loss.

This morning I called her to confess. The phone felt heavy in my hand. The buttons so hard to push. And here's the thing about friendship - she forgave me. She was disappointed that I had carelessly misplaced a precious year of her family's life. She forgave me - and apologized for being a bother.

Shit. I really want to find that tape!

Saturday, January 14, 2006

MLK Through a Five Year Old's Eyes...

"Mom, I don't have school on Monday!"

"I know! It's Martin Luther King, Jr. Day."

"What's that?"

"It's a day for celebrating and commemorating the life and work of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr."

"Was he a nice king?"

Thursday, January 05, 2006

Smoke Gets in Your Eyes...

The grass fires have been wicked this week. Oklahoma is not on fire (entirely) despite national news reports, but the smoke in the air has been a real pain.

Would someone please do a rain dance or two? I'd do it, but as I mentioned last year this white girl can't dance.

Tuesday, January 03, 2006

How to get a 5 year old to eat...

...just about anything:

1. Tie it to her favorite story. The oldest daughter was dooped into eating beets by her step-mother. Yep, the end-all-be-all Queen of Mac & Cheese also loved the story "Heidi". So her step-mom worked beets into the story, and then served them with dinner soon there after ("It's Heidi food!"). Of course, she was busted once our girl learned how to read and realized that there were no beets mentioned in "Heidi".

2. Name it after his favorite vacation spot. Tonight I wanted my son to try sweet potatoes. He wouldn't go near them during Thanksgiving and I didn't push it. But sweet potatoes are so wonderful. Even my dad likes them now. So, tonight I asked the boy if he'd like to try "California French Fries". And as expected - he love them!

I wonder if I could get him to clean his room if I told him that having the toys IN the toy box was "California Style".

Sunday, January 01, 2006

Virgin Monk...

I started watching Monk recently. Its wonderful on so many levels.

I'm a little concerned that I can relate to much of the OCD stuff. Mostly, I'm comforted. So, I thought I'd share some of the - what could be called - Monkness in me.

1. I have to un-tangle the curly cord that attaches the handset to the phone. How other people stand leaving that curly cord thingy tangled is beyond me. I've been known to un-tangle other co-workers' curly phone cord thingies.

2. I have to have the right coffee cup for weekend coffee, or the coffee won't taste right. (FYI, I have one coffee cup at work, and coffee at the office is pretty bad, no matter what cup you put it in.)

3. The lanyard for my iPod Shuffle and my work ID have to be wrapped "just so" before I put them in my purse. To be honest, they may be more about my need to carry a small purse...yeah, right - who am I kidding!

4. When I make Kraft Easy Mac in the microwave and all the noodles are standing up in a honeycomb configuration when I take it out - it gives me the ibbie jibbies and I HAVE TO knock them all back down into the water before I can add the cheese sauce.

5. The feel of corduroy makes me gag.

I'm sure there's plenty more, but I can't think of them right now (or don't want to admit to them, for now).