Thursday, January 26, 2006

Farting in Public... wasn't me this time - I SWEAR!

Today's been one of those days. All of my best laid plans have gone horribly awry. The meeting that I absolutely HAD to be at was cancelled 20 minutes before it was suppose to start. I had so many other things to take care of today - and had been scheduled off to do them (for weeks ahead of time) - and then they moved this meeting to today. And then they cancelled it. Well, crap! Looking for the silver lining - the gym where I work out is closer to my office than my house, so I used the unexpected down time to get a good workout (and work out some of the frustration).

Then it was off to the dentist office, pick up my son and get him to school. But I turned right instead of left and ended up miles out of my way. Fine, I turned around, found the dentist office, kissed my husband (he was in the chair this time) and off we went.

When at the gym, and then the dentist's office I really should have taken a few moments to go to the bathroom. But I was in a hurry and my son's kindergarten class would start in 30 minutes and I was 35 minutes away. Having to really, really, really need to pee and being stuck in traffic on Northwest Expressway is so painful. I finally pulled into a gas station and made a be-line for the restroom. Yeah, I'd have never made it to the school and then home.

Miraculously, the boy was not late to class. Now its time to do a little grocery shopping, but I have to pee again and the checkbook is at home. I make a right turn coming out of the school's drop-off/parking lot and wouldn't you know it - the road is closed!! Agh! Half of the road is being re-surfaced. Shit! Now I have to go four wheeling in a car that was never designed to go off-road. So I'm taking it really, really slowly. And I still have to pee.

I get home, go pee, find the checkbook and head out to Walmart. The produce is over-priced and looks like hell. A child is throwing an exceptionally physical temper tantrum and I'm in today's winner of the Painfully Slow Cashier award checkout line. I read "O Magazine" cover to cover.

I have 40 minutes before my son is out of school (kindergarten is only a half-day). Just enough time to unload the groceries and put them away...if the car would start. Gggrreat - ruh, ruh, ruh, click, click, click. Lovely - a dead battery. Call the hubby. Oh, wait - he's at the dentist. I need a good Samaritan. I find one at the Walmart's auto care center. He has a charger/jumper thingy and vvvrroooom! Baby comes to life (that's the name of the car)! "You want, we can test da battry." 30 minutes 'till school's out. Okay, its worth the time. "Uh, ya gunna need a battry." I ask him how long its going to take - "Uh, bout fy mints." Okay, do it!

And this is where it happened. The farting in public. I'm standing in line behind this very lovely, proper looking, elderly woman. She farts...Loud. "Pull my finger" loud. All immediate concerns fade. I'm trying hard not to laugh out loud...and I'm trying to breath as shallowly as possible...I'm waiting for the smell. Behind me I hear, "Oh DUDE, did you fart?" I try the pointing-with-my-eyes trick. Shit - they think it was ME! AND THEN the smell greeting us - I mouth "It wasn't me - I swear.


Blogger Logan C. Adams said...

That's right, blame it on the old lady.

7:41 PM  
Blogger Vicky Hawthorne said...

Almost 22 years ago I stood in line at a grocery store with my first daughter. She was about 3 months old. She had a "Pull my finger" moment that everyone heard.

"Ooh, baby - excuse you." I softly cooed. The look on everyone around us was similar "That's right, blame it on the cute little baby."

7:33 PM  

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